i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Randomize
