If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I am midnight drunk by noon
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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