i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
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