good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
