there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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