I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
