Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We're too hungover to prance.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
