We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
