he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
