I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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