What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
