dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
