Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
