I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
