it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
