Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize
