Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
