I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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