my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
