The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
And then my night got REAL pukey
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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