how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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