Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.