i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately