i will soon be in a relationship on fb
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
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yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
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THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?