my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize