So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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