I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You smell like stripper and shame
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
