it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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