I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
