WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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