Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
