the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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