Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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