I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
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