did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
