I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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