I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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