Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
