things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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