This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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