I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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