My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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