A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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