the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
