You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
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