the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
