You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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