I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
