Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
