I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
only you would photoshop your dick
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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