i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
