i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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