I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Randomize
