Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
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We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
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Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...