Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
