why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
