community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
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Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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