Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
